Like any good yoga teacher, I enjoy supporting the heart space of my self and my family.
There is a very practical aspect to this desire as I touched on in my first post. Cooking, cleaning, organizing, rearranging, beautifying are all choices I make throughout the days I spend in our home. Overall, I am learning to practice them mindfully. If my body finds me turning again to the sink after too many rounds of not dropping into a hip opener or heart lifter, it speaks out loud and clear-drop the dishrag, move to the mat.
These days I live in New Mexico within a rented home. It is spacious and quiet which we appreciate. It is also somewhat ugly and not designed for flow nor energy efficiency, which we definitely do not appreciate. We have a huge LAWN for which we are responsible. It is poignantly painful to turn on the spigot, once a month throughout this dry winter, and watch the ground suck up every drop and then ponder what this does to our water bill. I do feel somewhat godlike, but I prefer to get that feeling from other practices.
So, I frequently find myself adrift envisioning an improved living space for us, both indoors and out. I drive around different neighborhoods and peek in backyards and wonder if this home would be a better fit; one with a better flow, more function, more beauty and one that is easier to maintain and afford. I read books like The Walkable City and A Pattern Language and draw sketches in my notebooks. I daydream about attending graduate school all over again for my own purposes.
As a child, I would spend hours at my desk designing my future dream-home. The rare perk of my father’s salesmanship of funeral goods were the boxes of (nearly) blank paper left in the garage, always slightly damp, for my unfettered use. I loved the simplicity of my tools: pencil and ruler mixed with desire and vision. Somewhere along my path, I dropped the ruler and a career in architecture did not manifest.
And yet, I still want to live with and in the bathroom that I designed way back when: slate floors, deep tub, a wall made entirely of glass looking out to the forest.
And the three story pet room with an atrium to house the monkeys’ tree? That shit was hot. Though now it looks more like a greenhouse with a hot tub: growing our food, warming our adobe home, but providing me with the same sense of sanctuary.
I ask myself, “What would I like to cultivate for myself, for my family, for the world?”
I am given to getting lost in deep wonder and it generates a lot of enthusiasm and insights into what I think would be worthwhile ways to spend my good time and energy. As I move towards 9 months post partum, I am inviting myself to take up a more decisive residence in my flesh beyond these blessed disciplines of mothering and hearth tending.
It may turn out that daydreamer is part of who I am. I am unraveling the self judgment for the lack of follow through on all my ideas, I suspect one lifetime is not enough to give them all their due. But, I do deeply wonder what I might choose as my next steps in home, homemaking and career shaping. I feel the preciousness of this time and I want to choose with as much wisdom and care for self as possible within the matrix of my growing family.
Thanks for hearing me out.